I'm So Sorry
by TrevorPhilipsIndustries
Summary: I thought this would get easier over time, Danny; being without you. Instead, it gets harder every day. I can't blame anyone but myself. I just miss you so much.
1. I'm So Sorry

I finally listened to your new album today. I thought it would be too painful. It was. I miss your voice; hearing you practice in the next room, listening to you humming softly to yourself as you washed dishes. I would come up behind you, wrap my arms around you, inhale your scent, and push your hair aside to plant a soft kiss on the back of your neck. You would always pull your hands out of the sink, playfully flicking droplets of water at me. I would scrunch up my nose at you, and you would smile innocently at me. God, that smile. You could light up a whole room with that smile. Hell, you lit up my whole world with that smile.

I miss sleeping next to you. The bed is cold and empty now. I have to sleep with the TV on, because it keeps the loneliness at bay; just for a while. But of course, you come back to me in my dreams. I can't escape it. Waking up is painful. Coming out of the bedroom and not hearing the shower running is painful. Eating breakfast at the kitchen table alone is painful. It rips my heart out not seeing you across from me, your curly hair softly framing your face, still damp from the shower. Coming home from work to a silent apartment is a special kind of hell. You used to greet me every night with the biggest grin. It was as if you had seen me for the first time in a year, but it had only been nine hours. You would wrap me up in your arms, pepper my face with kisses, and lovingly take my coat and bag from my shoulders, hanging them up by the door for me. You looked at me with such love.

You did, until I fucked it all up. Things got bad. I got bad again. My bipolar got worse; it took over my life. You tried to be there for me. You were so wonderful. I was so pathetic. I treated you badly. You would take my hands in yours and tell me that you loved me. I would swear at you and call you names. I was swinging rapidly between manic and depressive states. Some days, I couldn't get out of bed. You took care of me. You made me breakfast before you left for the day. Some days, you would come home and the apartment would be spotless. I would go into a manic state and clean everything before I lost that energy again. But I was mean. I didn't deserve you.

You begged me to go back to therapy; to get back on my medication. I got offended. You told me it was because you cared, but I didn't listen. I kicked you out that night. I instantly regretted it, but I was afraid to contact you. I was scared of rejection. "He wouldn't take me back after all of that," I told myself. I convinced myself that you hated me. I let you leave. We didn't talk after that. You came back while I was at work and you packed up your things and left. I cried when I came home and found your key on the kitchen counter. You took all of your belongings, except for one. You left your favorite hoodie on the hook by the door. You knew I loved to wear it. It was warm and cozy and it smelled like you.

Not a day has gone by where I don't think of you. I have wanted to contact you so badly. To apologize. To ask for you to come home. I've been so afraid to do this. I've been going to therapy every week, Danny. I talk about you, mostly. But I feel healthier now. I take my medication every morning and every night. I think about you; how happy you would have been to see me taking care of myself.

I don't expect you to respond to this. I wouldn't either if I were you. I'm going to send this to the Game Grumps office because I don't know where you live now. After this, I'll leave you alone. I'll settle on writing in my journal instead of bothering you. I just had to tell you that I'm sorry. I love you. I love you so much, Dan, but I know I have to let you go. I thought that this pain would have subsided by now, but it gets harder every day to shake the thoughts of you from my head. But I want you to be happy, even though that means me not being in the picture. I won't ever love anyone like I love you. I don't deserve you. I never did, but you made me feel so loved. Thank you for everything, Danny. I'll always love you.


	2. Something Good Can Work

I woke up this morning feeling as empty as ever. The silence in this apartment is too much to bear. This place used to be a home, filled with love and laughter. We moved in here together. We made it feel like us. But now it just feels like me, and I don't like me very much since you left. But it's not all bad, now. You called me today. I answered in a shaky voice. I spoke your name like it was a secret; it came out in a hoarse whisper. "Danny." You said hello; you said my name, and it sounded beautiful.

You told me you got my letter. I apologized for bothering you. Your voice was gentle and kind; it always is when you speak to me. I thought of the time I had the flu, and you took care of me. I laid on the couch, head in your lap, and you spoke so softly to me. You sang to me as I fell asleep. That's what you sounded like on the phone today. So soft and so gentle. "It's nice to hear your voice," you told me.

My breath caught in my throat when you said that to me. Because it gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe you still love me, too. You told me you were proud of me for seeking help and getting healthy again. I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for you. Hurting you was my breaking point. I'm so happy I could make you proud, Dan. I asked you how you were.

"I'm managing, I guess." I could practically hear you shrugging your shoulders. I didn't know what to say. I sat, pressing the phone to my ear in an awkward silence. I swallowed hard, trying to form a coherent sentence in my mind before reciting it out loud.

"You left your hoodie here." God, I sounded like an idiot. This whole time, I've been empty without you, and all I could come up with was that you left your hoodie?

You laughed. God, it's been so long since I've heard that laugh in person. Sometimes I put on Game Grumps just so I can hear you laugh. I miss it so much. "You're kidding, right? I left that there for you." You paused. "I knew how much you loved it."

I blinked back tears, biting the inside of my cheek, trying to keep my composure. Even when I kicked you out of my life, you were still thinking about me. You asked me if I still had it. Of course I do. I sleep in it every night. When it's too hot in our- I mean _my_ \- apartment, I open up the bedroom window to let in the cool night air in. Just so I don't have to sleep without your hoodie on. Your scent has washed out of the fabric, but I wear it and pretend you're still here, teasing me for stealing it away from you.

You told me to keep it. I couldn't stop myself from crying. I let out a pathetic sounding whimper as I wiped away the tears from my cheeks. You are so wonderful, Danny. "Dont cry, sweetheart." I sobbed when I heard you call me that again, like you used to. It came out of your mouth as sweetly and softly as it used to.

"I miss you so much, Danny," I blurted out, trying to pull myself back together. I didn't make things easy for you, you told me. I broke your heart; I pushed you away. I know I'm guilty of these things. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could. You told me that you've been trying to move on, but it's painful. I know, Dan. It hurts so much. I asked you why you decided to call me.

"I don't know. I just needed to hear your voice." My heart sank. I thought, maybe that was all you wanted; maybe this was just closure for you. I didn't know what to say. I tugged at a loose string on my pajama pants, tears stinging my eyes once again. I asked you if you could ever forgive me for the things I did; the things I said. You ignored my question.

And then, just like in my dreams, you asked me if I want to get coffee on Monday. We can talk about what happened, you told me. My stomach did a flip, and I swear, Dan, I have never felt so happy. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. Maybe you just want to say one last goodbye to me. Maybe you want to move on with your life. I wouldn't blame you. After all, you can do much better than me.

Still; I get to see your face again. I get to sit across from you again and drink in every perfect feature of your face; absorb the tone of your voice and your laughter. God, that laugh. It's perfect. You're perfect to me. I don't know what's going to happen. I am absolutely terrified. I don't know how I'll deal with the heartache if this is our final goodbye. The thought of never seeing you again; it tears me up inside. I've been trying to accept it since you left. But speaking to you today, it's opened up those wounds again, and I don't know if I can handle losing you twice.

But I feel better when you say goodbye to me before hanging up the phone. I feel hopeful when you speak up again. "See ya Monday, gorgeous."

See you Monday, my love.


	3. Warm Healer

It's been a while since I wrote in my journal. You came home two weeks ago. And my love, I feel like I'm alive again. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and tiptoe out of the bedroom to go get a drink of water. The apartment is cold, but our bed is so warm when I get back in and press myself against you. Sometimes you snore, but I've never cared. I just want you next to me. You make more time in the mornings now for us to be together. You tell me that it's important for us to rebuild our relationship by making more time for each other. I'm just happy to see your face across from me while I eat breakfast. Your hair is such a mess when you just wake up; it's so cute. You're so cute, Dan.

You brought me home flowers last night. You told me that I deserve them. I don't know what you see in me, but I'm happy that you love me, because God, do I love you. You keep telling me how happy you are to see me taking care of myself. I know that I made the right choice; going back to therapy and getting on my meds again, but the truth is, I never would have been happy if you hadn't come back.

Dan, do you remember our first date? I was so shy and so nervous. You were so sweet and you made me laugh so much. You always make me laugh. I invited you into my place that night. We both fell asleep halfway through the movie we were watching. It was two in the morning when we woke up, and you looked at me through sleepy eyes and messy hair at the front door. You kissed me before you left, and I knew then that I had to have you. I won't ever hurt you again, Danny, because you are all that I've ever wanted.

I missed your smile, and your laugh. I missed your stupid jokes and your ridiculous antics. You know how you love to sneak up on me and surprise me, and I always act like I hate it? I love it. I love the way you laugh when I scrunch up my nose and elbow you in the side. I love the way you wrap me up in your arms and apologize through giggles. I love how you smell and the way your arms feel around me. You feel like home. You are my home. Because we could go anywhere together, and I would just be happy to be with you.

You're the only one for me, Danny. I won't let you go again. And I won't hurt you again. I believe with every fiber of my being that we were meant to be together. If there is really such a thing as soulmates, you are mine, without a doubt. And the best part is that I know you love me back. I know you love me by the way you look at me; like I'm the most beautiful person you've ever seen. You touch me like I'm some sort of lost treasure; rare and fragile and more valuable than anything in the world. I thought I knew what love was before I met you, Dan. I thought I did, until your fingers intertwined with mine for the first time. I was so wrong.

See, I always thought love was a romance novel; passionate and perfect and full of people saying all the right things at the right times. I pictured the type of love in rom-coms, where the guy shows up at the airport just in time to tell the girl that he's in love with her. That's not what it is, and you showed me that. Love is clumsy mistakes and forgiveness. It's fuzzy slippers and favorite movies and stupid arguments that dissolve into giggles. It's falling asleep next to my best friend every night and thanking God that I get to be so lucky to lay next to you, even though you hog the blankets. Love is the feeling I get when I hear your key in the lock every evening when you come home. It's the feeling I get when I watch you dancing around to your favorite songs, out of breath and hair in your face.

This is it for me, Danny. You're my future, and I won't mess it up again. I'll hold your hand through everything that comes our way, and I'll be there for you the way you've been there for me. I'll do my best to make you happy for the rest of our lives. After all, I just want to see you smile. I don't even care where life takes me, as long as I have you beside me. This is it, Dan. Someday I'll show you these journal entries. Maybe then you'll understand just how much I love you. Thank you for coming home, Danny. Thank you.


End file.
